EVERYTHING EXPLAINED WITH COWS
ALTERNATIVE CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows man. You got to have some of this milk.
ANARCHO-INDIVIDUALISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
ANARCHO-SYNDICALISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.
ANARCHO-CHRISTIANISM: You have two cows. God takes care of them and gives you the milk.
ANOMIE: You have two cows. Your neighbour on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbour takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.
ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow – with a pedigree.
ARTIST [VISUAL]: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.
AUSTRALIA: You have two cows. They arrived illegally by boat.
BRITISH: You have two cows. They are both mad. They both have bad teeth. You try to sell them in Europe.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don’t have time to milk them.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk.
CAPITALISM [SWEDISH]: You have two cows. You bought them from IKEA and assembled them yourself (it was cheaper). The Volvo cows last a lot longer but don’t look as trendy.
CAPITALISM [JAPANESE]: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Almost all graduated in the top 10 percent of their class. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
CAPITALISM [SWISS]: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.
CAPITALISM [WALL STREET]: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.
CAPITALISM [ITALIAN]: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around looking for the cows, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
CAPITALISM [FRENCH]: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
CAPITALISM [DEMOCRAT]: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
CAPITALISM [REPUBLICAN]: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?
CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
COOPERATION: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you have to sell both. Your tax is used to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was originally one of yours, a free gift from your government.
CHRISTIAN-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour. Then you covet it.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government orders you to drink their milk.
EDUCATIONALISM: You have two cows. You pay for them to go to university. They come home as philosophy graduates and want to debate “The Morality Of Milk In A Cross-Species Society”. Giving milk is now beneath their station in life anyway.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that “limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows”. You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.
EUGENISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FAMILISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They refuse to wear bras.
FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.
INDIA: You have two cows. You worship them.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour. He then steals your cow and kills you.
INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
LAWYERISM: You see two cows and note that their milk has not been labelled “Contains lactose”. You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for $1M. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five dollars each. You get the rest and call it a victory for innocent milk drinkers.
LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.
MEXICO: You think you have two cows, but you don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
MONARCHISM: You have two cows. You give some milk to the King/Queen.
NAZISM: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk which they milk themselves, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
NIHILISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.
PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren’t allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.
PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of no specified gender.
PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can’t buy a bull from another country.
REALISATIONALISM: You have two cows. They are for their calves, their milk was never meant for human consumption.
REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
SOCIAL-DEMOCRATISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.
SOCIALISM [BUREAUCRATIC]: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
TALIBANISM: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
TOTATITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
THEOCRACY: You have two cows. The priest takes all your milk to offer it to God and drinks it.
UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.
UTOPIANISM: You have two cows. Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.